i thought black mirror bandersnatch was a joke about benedict cumberbatch

2018 has been a year a fragmented identities, where I felt I was falling apart in all the usernames/identities/avatars I got. working towards accepting my full witchy/kinky/queer/gamer/creative self as once.

depression, toxic narratives 

typing the word "depression" into youtube to find some inspiring people also means finding a lot of toxic stories about how it's all in your head and you don't need anybody else to help you. this infuriates me. there is no magic way to "knock it out"!

a less negative highlight from the recent family gathering: my uncle telling me i walk like my dad

i was trying to balance in a new pair of heels

the spoon theory is a useful tool to explain how low energy one can have when living with chronic pain, but it also helpful for people living with depression and social anxiety. it certainly was useful (and still is) for me.

depression 

so my roommate is coming back today and I spent all my spoons trying to clean up a bit

by the way I will post the spoon theory just after because it has been so useful to me.

Change can be hard. Taking care of yourself is a change that's worth the work.

My mantra for 2019 : "Through the willingness to be confused one will find clarity."

Let's do this.

christmas, depression with some positive twist 

christmas time also means for me losing all track of time and good habits, eating at weird hours, oversleeping and many other fun things.

my best friend told me "we just need to go on to january 21st" aka the date where we will return to normal life and have schedules again. it's the most helpful thing I heard so far. 💜 WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE WEIRD AND LOST GUYS

Re-reading a book about shadow work: 

"A house divided against itself cannot stand." By believing parts of ourselves to be "bad", we cannot realize our full potential. We will be fragmented and separated off from ourselves. The "good" qualities we associate with "I, me and myself" will be at war with the "bad", qualities we associate with "not me". Unresolved conflicts and unexpressed emotions (the shadow) divide us against ourselves."

I needed those words. Wow.

fun fact about me : I also wrote my master's essay on john waters' pink flamingos just because I wanted to force my university library to buy it with a bunch of other

comedians in cars getting cancelled

language 

"at least I am a turtle b*tch! go back to party city where you belong"

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