trans, personal, v long Show more
so i started re-reading nevada a second time immediately after finishing it, this time with my partner. and i’m noticing a lot of the more subtle things that were actually the most important to me. like this bit:
“Maria is trying as hard as she can to pay attention, but she’s tired. She can’t stay asleep at night. She wakes up grinding her teeth, or worrying about something totally productive like whether she’s really a straight girl who should be dating straight boys, or else she just wakes up because there’s a cat on her face, purring. Whatever. There are pictures of her from when she was five with bags under her eyes.”
it’s written flippantly, but... there actually are pictures of me from when i was five with bags under my eyes! i remember clearly because i would get teased about it.
i’ve never been able to sleep normally. night has always been the safest time for me because there was no one around to judge me or ask nosy questions. when i was five i was already staying up late at night trying to figure how the f my body worked and getting woken up by nightmares when i finally did fall asleep. i’d read books with female protagonists over & over until i passed out. as a teen, when i was allowed to have a computer in my room, i switched to video games. i would stay up until 5am playing and avoiding intrusive thoughts about this imaginary girl i felt like i needed to find and then sleep in until 5pm when i didn’t have school. and, okay, a million other anecdotes i could keep listing them forever. but the point is, being completely and totally alone was what i got accustomed to and it was the only time i felt safe and like i could actually process any of my emotions. and i’m totally still holding onto that now as an adult. i mean look at me, it’s 3 am and i’m typing this on the couch while my partner is in bed. am i gonna show this to her or talk about it? probably not. she’s got a lot going on and i don’t know what good it would do to be like “look, here’s yet another reason why being trans is the cause of the ways i’m messed up”
but... how else do i break the pattern? vulnerability online is easy, barf some words out and wonder if anyone else actually read it. in person it’s way harder, and way slower, because you can’t just demand that someone let you be vulnerable in front of them. you have to wait until you’re ready to talk and they’re ready to listen, you have to be prepared to reciprocate, there’s so many other things that come with it that make it more rewarding and also harder. i’m so tired of being this way but i don’t know how to get rid of it any faster than this. i just have to stay open to those few precious opportunities for vulnerability and take them when i can and make sure i never take too much so i don’t alienate anyone. but i need a lot; i’ve got 30 years of pent up vulnerability to catch up on.
trans, personal, v long Show more
a memory about this just resurfaced: i used to intentionally play with sleep deprivation as a way to bypass denial and explore gender feelings. when i hadn’t slept for 36+ hours, my brain couldn’t muster the willpower to keep up the walls, and i would get all loopy and all sorts of interesting stuff would come out.
@nova Sleep deprivation is an interesting state, isn't it? Both clearer in some ways and fuzzy in others, time seems to move erratically. If such a state could be induced medically, it might be useful for therapy!
@WatchingWolf yeah, i experimented with a lot of ways to get into similar states. drugs, lucid dreaming, meditation, & hypnosis were all things that worked for me at different times in one way or another. my partner actually goes to a hypnotherapist every week who is professionally trained in inducing states that bypass vulnerability. it’s very cool tech. not at all like the cartoon version you see in media like Office Space or w/e
@nova Oh cool! I do a little of that with my therapist, forget exactly what it's called, but it involves stimulation that switches between right and left (provided by holding little vibrating devices in each hand). Though the main thing it's supposed to do is put me in a relaxed state where I can connect to old emotional states and hopefully process them. So far it has been helping!
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